Open Wide

Yesterday I went to the doctor. It was my first visit to a doctor since returning to Las Vegas last year. Since I am your typical kind of guy, I saw no need to go unless I had some kind of health issue. Which I finally admitted I had. One of my ears has been feeling like it was full of water for about 10 days. I kept hoping it would just go away but all of that was for naught. So after waiting too long, and with the reality of a flight on the near horizon, I decided to get an appointment. After all, your ear exploding on a plane is not a good thing for the guy sitting next to you. So I go in and almost immediately, after filling out 20 forms that all basically say the same thing, yes I'll pay and no you're not at fault for anything, the assistant starts me on the routine. You all know what I mean. Get on the scale. Let's check your height. And then my arm starts getting squeezed by some new fangled type of Boa Constrictor blood pressure thingamabob. I wasn't even aware she had put it on. All while asking me a thousand questions. Next up was the electronic thermometer and then a little gizmo to check the oxygen level in my blood. She said mine was good and I did not need a tank to breath. I was glad to be paying $95.00 to learn that. Here I thought you could figure that out pretty easily. And just like that I was alone, waiting for the doctor. When she came in she repeated all of the thousand questions I had already answered, and added a few. Ever smoke? Drink? Use drugs? Drive your car off a cliff? All no. Good she said. After that, she turned to my ears. Finally. This was after all why I was here. Just for this moment. So she could put her ear light inside my head, tell me what was wrong, and write me a prescription that would cost $97.50. After looking inside, she said nothing. I was wondering if this was good or bad when she asked me the question. The question every guy fears. "When was your last prostate check up." Confidently I told her five years ago and I felt safe. After all I was here for my ears. And then she said "Well let's check it out." Instant anxiety set in. After all we had just started dating. About 20 minutes ago. I don't even think you should kiss on the first date and here she was telling me to drop my drawers so she could look up my can. I was there for an ear infection! Well, the bottom line [no pun intended] was that I was good down there but needed the gold plated Cadillac inhaler for my ears. Thankfully she had a free coupon for one in her office. So it was not all bad. I just wished I knew ahead of time when she said open wide, she was not going to be looking at my throat.