A Good Pun Is Its Own Re-Word!

Every once in a while someone sends me something that I can’t resist sharing. I have been a big fan of puns and word play for years. So, with a big thank you to my buddy Elwood, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Sea captains don't like crew cuts. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. (As always, you know the rules. Feel free to share whatever you find useful here, but remember to let people know where you got your content from. I need the publicity! ©)

Fill 'er up, please!

I stopped by a gas station Wednesday to fill up my tank. Now most of you think when I say tank, I am talking about the gas tank. Nope, I drive a tank. Almost literally. A 1988 Dodge F56000. Or something like that. 32 cylinders. 4 gallons to go a mile. Anyways, there I was with my gasoline loan application in hand filling the tank, when the pump stops at $50.00. I was so happy. Only $50.00. But then I learned something you guys that drive little cars don't know. The pumps at many stations stop at $50.00 when you use a credit or debit card. I am sure this was helpful when you could fill up for $20.00 or $30.00, but when you basically need to bring the Brinks truck up to pay, $50.00 doesn't cut it. So I put my card in a second time, and by the time I was finished, it was $72.14. For about 6 gallons. A full tank of gas...priceless! So for all of you who are wishing for days gone by when gas was cheap, plentiful, and everybody had a credit card at their favorite fillin' station, here are a few reminders...

Current Events, Pt. 2, Immigration

Okay, so now that you all think I am off my rocker, crazy, or just plain nuts, on to some enforcement ideas.  You see, my previous ideas will not work unless we come up with something to finally address the underlying issues.  Think of it like this.  The amnesty stuff is like putting pressure on a wound.  By doing that, we can stem some of the bleeding while we treat the causes.   As I see it, there are three main causes which I believe strict enforcement will address, if it is coupled with the sane approach that I advocate in “Pt. 1, Immigration.”  They are porous borders, insatiable demand for cheap, illegal labor by businesses, and a very small chance of deportation once you are in. Put the US Military on our borders.  Not just the roads, but in the deserts, mountains, valleys, everywhere.  On all of our borders, not just Mexico.  The symbolism of doing the same on our Canadian border will go a long way in Latin America.  Remember, not one September 11 terrorist entered through Mexico, but they did enter though Canada.  Yet most of our enforcement efforts have been focused on Mexico.  This has only ticked off our neighbors to the south.  Now when other countries complain, kindly point out to them that we are only doing what they do to protect their borders.  This should serve a couple of purposes.  One, our military gets some experience that will be valuable in the future.  Learning how to peacefully deal with people of other cultures.  If we have learned anything in Iraq it is that war is a lot different now than it was in WWII.  If you really want to change people, you will be much more effective with a conversation than with a gun barrel.  Two, we are already paying these forces so the up cost will be negligible.  Now I understand that some of you will bring up “Posse Comitatus”, the law to limit our military from operating in the US, but a simple act of congress can remedy this, or a legal opinion stating that federal troops are already operating as protectors of our borders so this would be nothing new.    Business employers who hire illegal immigrants will be hammered.  This will help us dry up the real source illegal employment.  Does anyone really believe people will pay up to $5000.00 to come to the US illegally if they cannot get a job?  And where are those jobs coming from?  That’s right, big business, small business, homeowners, etc.  So large fines are in order here.  Currently many companies know they will not be audited so they do not worry.  They also know that most fines are lower than $25,000.00.  Now, if you are a large multinational with annual income over 500 million, $25,000.00 is not a large expense.  Particularly if it is unlikely to be a recurring expense.  Let’s make those fines $500,000.00 per illegal employee, with $100,000.00 of that coming from the executive whose signature is on the I-9 federal employment form.  Believe me, as one who has had to fill those out; if I knew I could be liable for a $100,000.00 fine, I would be pretty sure who I was hiring.  For families hiring gardeners, nannies, etc., you too should be liable for hiring illegal immigrants.  For each person you hire illegally, you will be fined $25,000.00.  The money generated by these fines would more than cover the cost of enforcement.  It may also cause some businesses to go under.  However if that is the cost we must pay to fix this problem, so be it.   If you screw up during your probation, you’re out.  Period.  We gave you a chance, the proverbial leg up.  Sorry, you’re heading home.  This will not only include working illegally, but loaning your documents to a friend or relative.  We will welcome you here, but you have to be a good contributing member of society.  If you have kids, you decide how you want to handle that if you are going to be deported.  They can stay, but only if you have another legal family member to take care of them, otherwise they go with you.  All of this will be plainly understood and explained in the amnesty process and we will get native speakers to help spell it out if you can’t read.  As part of the process, each adult person will sign that they understand and agree to abide by the rules, or be subject to deportation.  Remember, this is a five year probation.  During that time, you will also need to become proficient in English, our national language.  When I travel abroad, I expect to converse in the language of the country I am visiting, I do not expect that country to bend their linguistic culture to me.  If they do, it’s a bonus, but not expected.  You must also file and pay your taxes.  If I have to pay 25% of my wages to Uncle Sam as my duty for living here, so should you.  I’ll bet the taxes received from 11 million new legal workers would cover a lot of health care and social security issues. So those are my enforcement ideas.  Something to anger everyone.  Democrats, Republicans, immigrants, and of course, the ACLU.  I’ll await your comments. (The thoughts and opinions expressed here are 100% those of your humble blogger, dave miller, and are in fact protected by all US Copyright Laws.  Permission is hereby granted for use provided that this blog or author is cited as the source. Blessings. ©)

Current Events, Pt. 1, Immigration

You leave the country for a couple of weeks and everything seems to go crazy. When is a leak not a leak, UCLA somehow makes the final game before losing to Florida, Barry Bonds continues his quest to steal the home run title from a truly honorable guy, Hank Aaron, and there are immigration protests everywhere. This is what I want to talk about today. Let me set the plate for you. I believe in full disclosure, so here it is. I work in Mexico. I have worked with people who are here in the United States illegally. I have helped people get their papers, and I have seen the utter randomness of our immigration policies first hand. I have many friends who cross the border legally every year, and some who do so illegally. I know people from Latin American, here both legally and illegally who are on both sides of the issue. I speak Spanish, can, and have debated the issue on both sides of the border with both Christian and non Christian folks. As an employer I was personally responsible for checking and signing off on US Immigration I-9 employment documents. I am not an expert. I am just someone who has thought and observed a lot about this issue. So where does that bring us? We have some problems. As a nation, our borders are incredibly porous. It seems to me that regardless of what side of the issue you are on, we can all agree that politically, and from a security viewpoint, it makes sense to know who is coming into and going out of your country. We are also short on people willing to work at certain jobs. Construction, farming, agricultural, and the service industries would all suffer if we sent all of our illegal immigrants home. Statistics bear out that we do not have enough people in our work force to fill these jobs. That said, I’d like to make the following suggestions to our respected politicians so they can ignore them and come up with a set of solutions that might satisfy their constituents but solve nothing. We’ll start with the participants. Immigrants. If you are in, you are in, conditionally. Yep. You heard me. 100% of all of our illegal immigrants get a type of conditional amnesty. I don’t care how they got here, they are here. Let’s be honest about this. As someone much smarter than I said, “We couldn’t get 1 million people out of New Orleans. We won’t be getting 11 million immigrants out of the US.” Yes in a way we would be rewarding “lawless behavior”, but hear me out on the conditions. A five year probation period during which you may be deported immediately, with no appeals, if you are convicted of a serious crime. You must register now, pay a fee, get a social security number, a right to work card, and start paying regular income taxes. In short, you must be a contributing member of society. After five years, you can apply for permanent residency, which you will get, guaranteed. Let’s give people the respect they have earned. Many illegals are hard working folks just trying to give their families a better life. Isn’t that the type of moral value we want our citizens to have? Employers. 100% amnesty. Again, more honesty. Does anyone really believe that Wal-Mart was not aware that they had illegals working for them? How about construction sub contractors? Also, for purposes of law, a nanny is an employee. As is your gardener and your house cleaner. We will forgive all of your past indiscretions, which will probably include below standard wages, lack of employer and employee taxes, lack of social security payments, lack of basic work force and area rights, everything. But starting on a set date, you must have on file the proper documentation for each person that does work for you, your family, or your company. No fudging, no sub-contractor walls to hide behind, nothing. There should be no underground economy, we are in this mess together and we need to solve it together. This should get the ball rolling, later this week I’ll post my enforcement ideas and thoughts on how to help us avoid this situation in the future. (The thoughts and opinions expressed here are 100% those of your humble blogger, dave miller, and are in fact protected by all US Copyright Laws. Permission is hereby granted for use provided that this blog or author is cited as the source. Blessings. ©)